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“It was only with the beginning of a settled way of life that you got towns, settlements, monocultures, and technology—all the things that are harmful to the prospects for humanity.” —Werner Herzog in Every Man for Himself and God Against All.
Credit: alphaspirit.it – Shutterstock
Amazon is the culmination of our “settled way of life,” a pure expression of Western Capitalist monoculture, a synthesis of commerce and technology where our collective dreams are transformed into products which are then transformed into money that goes into the pockets of people you will never see, let alone talk to. (With free shipping.)
It’s all ending soon. You can feel it too, right? The sense that this (gestures vaguely toward everything) is coming to a sad conclusion, that something immeasurably huge, that we can’t quite make out, has collapsed, and the pieces are hurtling towards us.
There’s nothing you, or anyone, can do about it, but at least it hasn’t happened yet. That ill-defined something is still in the air, and while we wait for the impact, the only sane response is to surrender to despondency and vainly try to fill the holes at the center of ourselves by taking advantage of all the amazing bargains and great savings on Amazon Prime Day.
An Amazon Prime Day Guide to taking to your bed
Why are you even going through the pantomime of your “life?” You try so hard to care about your job and to have hobbies and interests or whatever, but it gets you nothing, and the effort is embarrassing. What if you just stopped? I bet no one would notice if you went back to bed and stayed there.
So the first thing you need is a new mattress. Some people sleep on beds like this Sven & Son Bliss Adjustable. But do you deserve comfort at that level? Doubtful. Also, even though it’s 21% off, it’s still $2,045 and you don’t have that kind of money, right? So have this inflatable bed instead. Tell yourself it’s just as good and that you’re not jealous at all.
Don’t worry about a bed frame or headboard—just put it on the floor. But do consider sheets. There’s something to be said for classic bare mattress-style depression, but get some sheets. You’re not an animal. These LuxClub sheets are 100% cotton and come in a variety of colors to hide the stains.
Sheets may be optional, but curtains are not—you want your depression hole as dark as night, all the time, so blot out the sun with these blackout curtains. Before long, you won’t know or care if it’s daytime or night.
You may be asking, “But won’t I starve?” perhaps in a hopeful voice. Sorry. Instead you’ll cook luxurious meals in bed with this priced-to-move George Foreman 12-Serving Indoor/Outdoor Rectangular Electric Grill. It’s large enough to prepare a meal for a big family who laugh together and care about each other. Maybe if you buy this it will attract that to you. It’s worth a shot.
Speaking of bodily needs, it’s time to ditch the pee bottles and move up to a Medline Drop Arm Commode. Having this baby next to the bed makes relieving yourself easy, and it’s Prime Day cheap at only $107.61.
Your new depression nest hobbies
The transition from struggling member of society to bitter shut-in can be difficult. Eventually you’ll come to embrace your new lifestyle of defeatism, but until that blessed day comes, you may feel the need to something “productive” to fill your days. Here are some hobbies you will eventually realize are pointless:
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Maybe you need to express yourself through song? So try to learn to play music with this electric piano. Give up because it’s hard.
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Install hidden cameras everywhere and obsessively monitor them even though you live alone. How else will catch whoever keeps breaking in and moving your pills?
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Purchase a P1 Lite Ultra-Thin Smart Home Gym. Think to yourself, “I’m totally giving a shit about my health.” Use it twice.
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Potters are really soulful and in touch with themselves. Maybe a potter’s wheel will help you feel that way too.
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Get a gaming system. This is the “hobby” you will stick with. Try to convince yourself that “gaming” is a hobby and it’s a valid way to spend your time. And maybe you could become a YouTuber or something.
Buying televisions will not help you feel less haunted, but do it anyway
Once you’ve given up on pottery (what were you thinking?) and everything else, you’re going to need at least two good televisions. I recommend this Amazon Fire TV 55″ 4-Series 4K UHD smart TV and this SAMSUNG 55-Inch Class QLED 4K The Frame TV.
Together they’re very expensive, even on Prime Day, but don’t worry about it. Put it all on the Amazon credit card you applied for. There’s no need to pay it back. There’s no future anyway and it’s not like Amazon can kill you because you owe them money. (Yet.)
When your TVs arrive (courtesy of Amazon Prime’s free delivery!) set them up on the floor. Put a TV on each side of your air mattress. Repeat the movie Sausage Party on one, and stream Acorn TV’s “collection of world-class mysteries, dramas, and thrillers from around the world” on the other.
Turn the volume loud, then leave them both on, day and night, but don’t look at them. Write your manifesto on the back of the overdue credit card bill notices with a Novium Hoverpen 2.0 Interstellar Edition ballpoint pen.
It’s not all terrible. It’s only almost all terrible.
Life isn’t 100% despair. There are moments of connection and transcendent joy that reveal an underlying unity to all creation (or so I have read). Maybe if you hold on long enough, you can come out the other end of this. To keep the sputtering flame of hope alive, purchase this Pets Alive Smitten Kittens Surprise faux cat. Pet its acrylic fur. Enjoy its ten lifelike sounds. “Feed” it “milk” with the milk bottle prop. Is this what it feels like to love something?
