Does this sound familiar: You’ve craved sex more than your partner did for months only for them to want to have more sex when you were content with having a nice cuddle? If it does, then you definitely have experienced “desire discrepancy,”—which, while frustrating, is also very common among couples.
Dr. Emily May, a relationship therapist, describes desire discrepancy as a “difference in sexual desire between partners.” It’s actually very common and couples of all ages can experience it. It can also be experienced in phases, no matter what your previous sex life was like, or how long you’ve been together. “Studies show that up to 80% of couples could be affected by sexual discrepancy at least some point in their life,” she says. “It can result in one person feeling under-satisfied as well as feelings of rejection, frustration and inadequacy and can impact a couple’s physical and emotional connection.”
For those experiencing differing libidos, it’s important not to blame yourself—or your partner.
“Understanding that it is common and can affect couples of all ages is key to finding a solution and can also help to reduce any negative feelings,” May says. “Instead of looking for something or someone to blame, focus on honest and open communication regarding your needs, desires and concerns. Taking an empathetic approach is key and being open to mutually satisfying solutions. A professional therapist may also be able to help, providing support and advice to help you talk about the situation and navigate it effectively. Together, this can create a healthier and more fulfilled connection with your partner.”
What causes desire discrepancy
According to May, there are various factors that contribute to desire discrepancy. “Some of the most common ones include hormonal changes such as menopause, stress, lifestyle changes and relationship dynamics,” she says. “It can also be a simple case of the fact that some people have a higher libido compared to others. While sex might be important for one person, the other may prefer an emotional connection. One partner might believe sex and intimacy are key to showing love, but others may view it as a physical need.”
How to talk to your partner about your sexual needs
If you’re experiencing desire discrepancy with your partner, discussing your sexual needs and desires can be difficult—you don’t want to guilt-trip your partner, nor do you want to refrain from being true to what you want. Sex therapist Melissa Cook advises that when communicating where you’re at sexually with your partner, a safe and supportive environment is key, “where there is room for open and honest communication without judgment.”
“This will help both you and your partner to feel more comfortable expressing your needs, desires, concerns and boundaries,” she says. “This is also key to a stronger and more fulfilled connection.”
Cook also recommends to approach any conversations about your misaligned sex drives with empathy and understanding while being open to suggestions and avoiding blame and criticism. “Remember that sex-drive differences don’t indicate any personal or relationship failure, and are completely normal,” Cook says. “Instead, view it as an opportunity to grow and improve your physical and emotional connection.”
Another thing: Don’t blame yourself if you’re not feeling “in the mood.”
“The first thing you do is remind yourself that you are only human,” sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova of Lovehoney says. “Our sexual desire fluctuates just like everything else in life. So, acknowledge that and be gentle with yourself and your partner. Start by having a conversation to make sure you both are on the same page and see if it is external influences, like life, or internal influences that are leading to desire discrepancy.”
Frye-Nekrasova also recommends working together as a team. “Be upfront and share with each other where you feel like you are sexually, and how active your sex drive is. If you know what is impacting your libido, share that. By being open and communicating with each other, you and your partner may be able to figure out some ideas about what can be done to help alleviate some of the external factors that are impacting your sex drive.”
What to do as a couple when you’re experiencing desire discrepancy
Because relationships are personal, says Cook, a one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t typically work. Instead, she suggests communicating regularly about how you’re feeling, asking questions about your partner’s needs and preferences and not being afraid to try new things and experiment with activities to spark intimacy, including planning a date night, getting cozy on the couch, lighting some candles and enjoying a massage and spending some quality time together—without focusing on the end goal of sex,” she says.
Frye-Nekrasova says it’s key to prioritize relaxation. “When we are relaxed, we can more easily get into intimate and aroused places and have more desire for ourselves and our partner(s). To get intimate with your partner you can start with some sensual massage, planning and going on a date, or dancing in the living room to some of your favorite music.”
When to see a therapist
If you’re worried about your mismatched libidos, Frye-Nekrasova says it’s totally acceptable to seek a professional help at any point in time in this process, including when you first notice the desire discrepancy. “Professional help can be most impactful at the beginning of a problem, especially if you and your partner don’t feel like you have the tools or are equipped to try and solve the problem yourselves,” she says. “There is no correct answer because every relationship is different.”
For people who are worried if their sex drives will ever be aligned again, Frye-Nekrasova says the outcome could be mixed. “The goal can be to get it back to how it was before the discrepancy began, but it might not look exactly the same. Nearly every aspect of our sexuality fluctuates and changes throughout time, including our sex drives. So, if your sex drive looks a little different or you notice it changing, that’s okay. Be sure to talk to your partner to figure out what works for both of you and remember to remain patient and flexible as you get back into alignment.”
