You’ve probably said something like, “That was fun!” or “That was hot,” after engaging in sex with your partner, but what about when you want to get more specific? Maybe you’d prefer them to stop biting your neck so much or you’d like them to start having more oral sex with you. We all know communication is key when it comes to having a better sex life, but knowing how to tell your partner that you’d like them to stop doing something in bed without, well, crushing their feelings, is a little tougher.
“Providing sexual feedback, including criticism, which I like reframing as ‘pleasure pointers,’ is important for every relationship’s sexual pleasure and continued sexual growth,” Dr. Shamyra Howard, a sexologist at We-Vibe, says. “However, it’s not always easy to provide sexual feedback, especially when it can be seen as negative or disapproving, because many people have not been taught how to engage in sexual communication. Additionally, sex is a very sensitive topic for many, and unfortunately, many people have been socialized to think their sexual performance is good as it is.”
Talking about sex isn’t easy, but having those tough talks—or as Howard calls them, “pleasure pointers”—can be integral to having a satisfying sex life, which can only strengthen your relationship. Here’s how to do it gracefully and respectfully.
When to say it
When giving feedback about a lover’s sexual performance, Howard says it’s generally best to avoid having the discussion right after a sexual encounter.
“The main time sexual feedback … is recommended during sex is if a person is experiencing pain or discomfort, or if there is a safety issue,” she explains. “Conversations that are specific to sexual feedback are best when each partner is aware the conversation is going to happen, which is why it’s best to have a scheduled ‘sexual intimacy check-in’ weekly.”
She adds, “A best sexual practice is to always discuss sexual preferences before engaging in sexual activity. That can also decrease sexual and performance anxiety.”
What to say
Howard recommends asking these questions during your sexual intimacy check-ins:
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What is something you have enjoyed about our sexual relationship lately?
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What is something you wish we did more sexually?
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What is something you want us to do less sexually?
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What is one thing I can do differently or better to please you the next time we have sex?
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What is something I should know about you sexually that would improve our sexual relationship?
If there is a sexual issue such as pain, discomfort, unpleasantness, or if something unsafe is occurring in the middle of sex, Howard says it’s best to speak up in the moment and provide a visual cue as to what you would like.
“As long as you speak to your partner respectfully, there isn’t a wrong way to tell your lover you need something different,” she says. “Many partners do best with a visual approach, saying something like, ‘Let me show you what feels best,’ or, ‘Try doing it like this,’ while showing them the way.”
What not to say
When providing sexual feedback to a partner, Howard says it’s important to be honest, straightforward, and respectful.
“The goal is to have a solution-focused outcome, so for every problem, provide a potential solution,” she explains. “Therefore, some things not to say include: ‘You never do this right.’ This is not a productive way to approach the situation, and it can prevent your partner from hearing and responding to your needs.”
She also suggests avoiding feedback such as, “This is the worst I’ve ever had,” or, “My last partner did it this way.”
The first one, she says, “is not kind or productive. You aren’t trying to hurt your partner’s feelings; your goal is to increase the pleasure you’re giving and receiving.”
As for the latter, Howard says it’s not helpful to compare your partners. “Your goal is to provide pleasure pointers that will benefit the sex you’re having together,” she explains. “You’re there to have the best sex you can with each other, not try to outperform another partner.”
