I used to think conspiracy theories were fun. It was interesting/funny that there were people out there who believed we faked the moon landing, or that Elvis Presley didn’t actually die in 1977 (instead, he put on a mask and changed his name to “Orion,” and kept on singing.) But those kinds of “harmless crank” conspiracy theories have always been rare. They usually eclipsed in popularity by hateful (but politically useful) conspiracy theories that boil down to “it was the Jews’ fault.”
There are still some “harmless” conspiracy theories out there, though, that capture the old “wait, people believe that?” energy. Below are my favorites, as well as a couple of conspiracy theories that seem harmless on the surface, but are stealthily hiding some terrible beliefs.
The year is actually 1727
According to the “phantom time hypothesis,” It is not 2024. It is 1727. The years 614 to 911 never happened. They were simply added to the calendar to push the date forward artificially. The theory comes from German author Heribert Illig who detailed the theory in a 1996 (sorry, I mean 1699) book. Illig lays the blame for the missing time on Holy Roman Emperor Otto III and Pope Sylvester II, who conspired to change the dates so Otto could be Emperor in the year 1000, to legitimize his reign. Radiocarbon dating, the recorded appearance of eclipses and comets, histories written in China, and a ton of other evidence refute this theory, but ultimately, I’m just happy the Jews aren’t being blamed for stealing all those years.
The Moon isn’t real
This conspiracy theory comes from the world of Flat Earthers, and it’s a fringe belief even there, but the theory holds that the moon is not physically present. What you see in the sky at night is a projection put there by someone, presumably to make us think the world is round. In a weird way, it makes sense. If the earth really were a flat plane, the moon’s movement across the sky wouldn’t make sense—unless it’s not really there. Since we can see the moon, it must be a projection. There can be no other explanation.
It’s a good idea to “sun your butthole”
A fringe belief in the “wellness community,” practitioners of “perineum sunning” or “butthole sunning” believe that briefly exposing the area between the genitals and anus to sunlight gives you energy, improves your circulation, regulates hormones, and has a host of other health benefits. There’s no way to absolutely prove that this isn’t so, but there’s no evidence that it is so either. Doctors point out that the taint is sensitive to sunlight, so you could get sunburned, and sunning where the sun (traditionally) does not shine puts you at greater risk of developing skin cancer, but butthole sunners generally recommend very brief exposure, and suggest using sunblock. So you should probably do this.
You don’t need food and water to live
Breatharians believe that we don’t need food to live, and some believe we don’t need water either. In the West, the belief dates back to a 1670 Rosicrucian text describing a physician who lived “several years by taking only one-half scrupule of Solar Quintessence.” Complete fasting is described in older Hindu texts as well, and often attributed to the particularly enlightened or wise. Periodically, people still claim that they don’t eat or drink for months or years at a time to this day (and scientists are baffled). These people are all caught sneaking food eventually (like the founder of the Breatharian Institute of America who was spotted outside a 7-11 eating a hot dog, a Slurpee and a box of Twinkies) or no one has caught them yet.
Death is not inevitable
Immoralists believe that life can be extended indefinitely. There is obviously a lot of scientific effort being put into extending human life, but, as yet, everyone is going to die. Even you. Like the breatharians, various people have publicly claimed to be immortal throughout history, but as far as we know, all of them died eventually (and their deaths must have been particularly embarrassing.)
Pinecones are mystical symbols
There are a lot of people out there who think the appearance of pinecones in the art of various ancient civilizations are symbols of human enlightenment and the pineal gland, which is said to be the source of mystical knowledge and visions. What the YouTube videos and websites that confidently spread these theories don’t seem to grasp is that the pineal gland was named after the pinecone because the gland has the same shape. There’s also no reason to think that representations of pinecones symbolized the same thing to ancient Assyrians as it did to ancient Greeks. We don’t know what they mean. A more reasonable theory is that pinecones are frequently represented in ancient art because their repeating patterns are visually interesting and fun to sculpt.
Two stealthily harmful conspiracy theories
These two conspiracy theories seem like “wacky, fun” conspiracy theories, but once you scratch the surface, you realize they’re actually based on poisonous ideas.
Helen Keller was a fraud
This conspiracy theory claims that Helen Keller didn’t actually do all the things people give her credit for, particularly writing books, or that she wasn’t actually deaf and blind. “Helen Keller is a fraud” has become a popular meme on TikTok over the last few years, but the accusation actually dates back to 1892. While I think the TikTokers are mainly having a little joke, this isn’t as “harmless” a theory as it might seem, as its basis is the belief that people with disabilities aren’t capable enough for some intellectual tasks.
On the other hand (and giving this theory way more credit than it probably deserves) in the 1960s and 1970s, there was a fairly widely accepted belief that “facilitated communication” could allow non-verbal people (mainly people with severe autism) to communicate. With the help of a facilitator helping them point to letters or words, some previously non-verbal people wrote books and graduated college. But as soon as real testing was applied, the communication was shown to be the product of the facilitator alone. So this could have happened with Keller; there’s no reason to think it did, but it’s at least possible. (Unlike the crazy theory below.)
The White House was built thousands of years ago, by giants
When I first heard of the “Tartarian Empire” I thought I’d found a rich and fascinating conspiracy theory that wouldn’t make me think “gross.” I was wrong.
The Tartarians, according to conspiracy theorists, were/are an ancient but advanced civilization, sometimes posited to be giants, who were responsible for thousands of well known buildings all over the world, including Notre Dame de Paris, The Great Wall of China, the Eiffel Tower, the White House, and pretty much any opulent pre-modernist structure you’ve ever seen. These edifices were built thousands of years ago, and they aren’t just buildings; they hold the key to Tartarian free energy, and if you study them hard enough (and your hat is on too tight) you can find hidden clues in the architectural details. The Tartarians were buried in some kind of “mud flood” that, depending on who you ask, happened as recently as 100 years ago (when my grandmother was alive!). Much of recent history, including World Wars I and II, were attempts to erased evidence of Tartarians so that the secret of their free energy can be kept from us.
It may seems like a wacky, harmless nutjob theory, but the Tartarians seem awfully similar to the Aryan race that the Nazis invented. Plus, the Tartarian theory is catching on, and its popularity is about to turn it from something stupid into something ugly.
Most Tartarian believers seem like well-meaning dopes who don’t understand architecture or history, but their theory is so outlandish that it doesn’t yet have comprehensive historical narrative to bind it together. It’s a pastiche of different dumb, often conflicting ideas, but as it gains cred among the gullible, bad actors are stepping in to shape the narrative. People like white nationalist holocaust denier Stew Peters are going hard at Tartarian theories, so it’s only a matter of time before the age old conspiracy theory pattern repeats, and someone answers the question of “What happened to the Tartarians?” with “it was the Jews’ fault.”
