Two years ago I was pushed out of a writing job at a software company. A couple weeks later I fired my therapist.
My job, it turns out, was causing the bulk of my mental health issues. Therapy sessions where I’d previously talk endlessly about how conflicted I felt, how insecure I felt, how unloved I felt—these sessions were suddenly awkward because couldn’t think of anything to talk about. Life was suddenly just…good. It has been ever since.
But here’s the thing: I agonized over leaving that job. I spent a weekend spiraling, trying to think of schemes to stay in (my sincere apologies to a particular group text). I was convinced I couldn’t leave a job that was making me miserable, that did not align with my values, at a company where I had no long-term career goals. Alan Henry, who used to edit this very website, wrote an article that I think about every week: the company you work for is not your friend. A culty tech company can make you forget this. You shouldn’t.
It’s funny because it’s true
It was fairly common among employees to joke that the company I’m talking about was a cult. Many jokes are funny because they’re not true; this wasn’t one of those. I don’t mean to say that the leaders of the company literally set themselves up as Messianic figures—they didn’t (exactly). But this was a company that spent a lot of time talking about how unique their “values” are, how different those values made them from other companies, and how important their mission was to society in general. The company also spent a lot of time—and money—blurring the line between co-workers and friendship.
That combination, at any company, makes it hard to leave a job even if you’re actively miserable. And here’s the thing: I knew this. I would be the first person to tell you that the company values were propaganda used by management to shame workers, and I knew the company wasn’t actually all that important. I also literally wrote articles while working this job about the importance of separating work from the rest of your life. And yet, in spite of all that, I still felt like the job was important, and that my life would be worse if I left it, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I let a Slack instance and a paycheck become my world.
That’s what a culty tech company can do. You might be working at such a company. You may also, unlike me, not have the luxury of being able to leave. With that in mind I thought I’d compile a list of survival tips for anyone struggling to maintain their humanity in a similar workplace.
Remember you are not alone
Culty tech companies thrive on the metaphorical Kool-Aid. They depend on members buying the hype, or at the least pretending like they are. That’s why public communications—Slack, let’s say, or all-hands meetings—are always uniformly positive. Everyone is SO EXCITED about how well things are going; everyone is reacting with way too many happy emojis. It’s enough to make someone who is unhappy, or even just questioning the status quo, feel like they’re absolutely insane. Everyone else is happy, after all—why aren’t you?
You’re not crazy, though. If the vibes feel off, you can be certain that you’re not the only one who feels that way. It’s important, if you’re going to keep feeling like a person, that you find people who feel the same way as you, so that the cognitive dissonance doesn’t completely destroy your sense of self.
Doing this can be tricky. I found it easiest during one-on-one conversations—meetings, for example, or Slack DMs. Start slow, making the occasional joke about how absurd the company is. You will be amazed how often people will laugh, and how relieved they will be that someone else sees what they’re seeing. With any luck you’ll have a work friend you can talk shit with, or even a group of friends. (Your Slack DMs, if you didn’t know, aren’t private—your company can read them at any time. Be careful here.)
Make sure, once you have these friends, to find places to chat with them that your work doesn’t own. If you work in an actual office, that place might be a bar or coffee shop. If you work remotely, I recommend using the encrypted messaging app Signal. Install Signal on your personal phone and you’ve got a completely untraceable way to talk shit while everyone else is pretending things are great. This is particularly helpful during all-hands meetings, when the most ridiculously out-of-touch things tend to be said by company leadership.
If you’re going to remain a person, you need to be able to laugh at the absurdity of what’s happening—and to do it with others. Find those others.
Remember you are good at things
I’ve been writing for a living full time since 2008, most of that time as a freelance journalist. It’s not an easy way to make a living but I’ve always pulled it off. Some of this is undoubtedly due to my connections, granted, but I also happen to think I’m pretty good at this.
I forgot that while working at a culty software company, though. I was convinced that my work wasn’t going well and that I’d have trouble finding work if I left. To be clear, this wasn’t true: strangers still reach out to tell me how much they appreciate my writing from that time and I haven’t had any trouble finding work since I left.
I’m still not sure what it is about that environment that made me doubt my self worth. There’s something about the environment at a culty tech company that can make you feel worthless. Part of this is that such companies tend to attract extremely qualified people—you might find yourself wanting by comparison. For me, a big part of this was the company’s constant prompts for self improvement: the performance reviews, yes, but also the way the company pushed things like coaching. There was a constant push to become better, which made me feel like I wasn’t doing well in the first place.
So I’d encourage you to remember that you’re good at things. You got the job you have because you’re qualified and other employers would be happy to have access to those same skills. Find ways to remind yourself of this. Maybe ask your like-minded co-workers to let you know how you’re doing. Maybe reach out to colleagues from past jobs. Just find some way to ground yourself in the knowledge of your own skills, outside of how the company sees you. You’re good at things.
Remember that it’s not your problem
You might, if you’re a well meaning person, think that any bad policies or situations at the company are your job to fix. And if your title includes the word “executive,” “president,” or “director,” that’s absolutely true. But if you are a low level employee, you need to know that it absolutely isn’t your job to fix the company and that trying to do so is only going to break you.
It doesn’t matter how often leadership talks about how they’re different—a company is not a democracy and internal blog posts are not a free press. Criticize leadership enough and you will eventually be asked—or told—to shut up (believe me on this). More importantly, though, it’s not your job to make the company better, and without actual power, trying to do so is only going to burn you out.
Improving and preserving the company culture is not your job. Focus instead on finding ways you can improve your own situation and the situation of those you’re close with. Talk transparently about your salary—this can really empower you and the people you work with to ask for what you all deserve. And, if you really want to improve things for your co-workers, look into how unionization works.
Remember there is life outside of work
A culty tech company can very easily fill your entire brain. There’s the work, of course, but there’s also the drama that seems to be constantly happening. I cannot overstate the extent to which none of that shit matters.
There is a whole world outside of work. If you’re going to stay sane, you need to be connected to it. Go for a walk every day. Join a softball league, or a church, or volunteer at a shelter. Go to coffee shops, and bars, and concerts. Read fiction. Try to learn a musical instrument. Host a monthly party, inviting people from different parts of your life to meet each other.
The specifics don’t matter: just find some sort of thing in your life that has absolutely nothing to do with work. It’s going to be hard to feel like a person if you don’t. And that’s what you are: a person. Not an employee, and not a part of a company. You are on this planet for a limited amount of time. By some miracle or coincidence, you are capable of not only thought, but also feeling. Don’t waste all of that on a company that will never love you back.
